Friday, February 8, 2013

Where do we go from here?

I have one more month's subscription of clomid and have been afraid to take it.  I haven't been taking my prenatals and all "trying" has come to a halt.  I think this is because I'm afraid of failure and what it will mean for our family.  The odds of us conceiving are like zilch..... and a failure means one more cycle I have used meds to induce ovulation....which means one LESS cycle I'll have left to try.  Most Drs will only allow 12 total cycles with ovulation induction due to increased cancer risks.

I have I think 8 cycles under my belt....so if we EVER get the money to do a fresh IVF again....I need to save my chances. 

I'm feeling very much like this is it.  Not to downgrade the awesome miracle that is our son....but just that this is our family.  I wont get to see him be the proud big brother I know he'd be.  I wont get to hear my childREN playing together or break up sibling arguments by telling them to hug eachother.  I wont get to see my younger child idolize Eli in the way younger sibings do (until they grow up and realize big brother doesn't know and can't DO everything).

And the more I think about that...the more depressed I get.  I thought that by having one it'd be easier to see pregnancy announcements, but seeing kids dressed in "big sibling" shirts announcing the birth of a second or third is that much harder....and every day Eli is growing, changing, and astounding me.  Becoming this fun and awesome little guy and I hate that I feel like I need more.

Am I greedy for wanting more  of this?  For missing the early new baby things?  I don't think so....I mean....I want Eli to have a family after Joe and I are gone....siblings are SO important in my mind....

...sigh.....

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